I feel shitty
oh so shitty
I feel shitty and shitty and not-alright and I pity
anyone who is me tonight.
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It’s becoming a shouting match between my music and my thoughts again…
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sometimes I forget how lonely I am and then sometimes I remember and it sucks…
I actually thought very seriously about suicide today… which is something I’ve never truly done. I’m honestly terrified and I don’t know where to go but to keep going down. I’m pale and I have bags under my eyes and I look like a ghost. I don’t understand why everyone believes me when I say I’m OK; I feel like I’m screaming at everyone for help and they just accept my lies. I’m not feeling any better but I figure if I go to sleep at least I won’t be thinking…
It’s like my family knows I’m not happy but they don’t call or check up on me like I’ll just get better and if they do call and if i mention I’m not ok they get all mad and ask if I need to be on pills. God forbid I talk about it before they try to change my brain chemistry. Ugh I just don’t understand anything anymore.
No matter how much I sleep, and that’s all I feel like doing, I still have bags under my eyes and I look like I’m half dead.
I love you… I will never not love you. I hang on your every word and even though I know you can be dumb and stubborn about certain things I don’t really care, I can be the same way. I know I can’t ever have you so I just have to pray I don’t break in having to see you love someone else. I will always be here for you and will always drop everything to help you or be with you. I want the best for you and in the mean time i have to try to make it through this with my heart intact. Your hugs, even though they’re only short hugs from a friend, mean the world to me, and even with my eyes closed I know when it’s you hugging me. I’ll miss you if it turns out our friendship won’t last but I will always love you. Always.
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ugh I’m already thinking about bad things. I have no one who will even attempt to give me hope, anyone i talk to takes away all my hope. I pray no one ever has to feel all their hope gone. Its empty. It’s so unbelievably empty. I wish I had someone who would just give me hope, without hope i see no reason to live.
I’m so tired of feeling so alone I feel so naseaus and depressed. My closest friends are boys and I wish I could stay over at their houses or vise versa but for some reason that’s taboo, I’m stuck alone and with some of the worst urges I’ve ever had. I’m a whole week free but at this point it wouldn’t take much to trigger me >