I feel shitty
oh so shitty
I feel shitty and shitty and not-alright and I pity
anyone who is me tonight.
It’s becoming a shouting match between my music and my thoughts again…
sometimes I forget how lonely I am and then sometimes I remember and it sucks…
I actually thought very seriously about suicide today… which is something I’ve never truly done. I’m honestly terrified and I don’t know where to go but to keep going down. I’m pale and I have bags under my eyes and I look like a ghost. I don’t understand why everyone believes me when I say I’m OK; I feel like I’m screaming at everyone for help and they just accept my lies. I’m not feeling any better but I figure if I go to sleep at least I won’t be thinking…
No one can help me.
It’s like my family knows I’m not happy but they don’t call or check up on me like I’ll just get better and if they do call and if i mention I’m not ok they get all mad and ask if I need to be on pills. God forbid I talk about it before they try to change my brain chemistry. Ugh I just don’t understand anything anymore.
No matter how much I sleep, and that’s all I feel like doing, I still have bags under my eyes and I look like I’m half dead.
I love you… I will never not love you. I hang on your every word and even though I know you can be dumb and stubborn about certain things I don’t really care, I can be the same way. I know I can’t ever have you so I just have to pray I don’t break in having to see you love someone else. I will always be here for you and will always drop everything to help you or be with you. I want the best for you and in the mean time i have to try to make it through this with my heart intact. Your hugs, even though they’re only short hugs from a friend, mean the world to me, and even with my eyes closed I know when it’s you hugging me. I’ll miss you if it turns out our friendship won’t last but I will always love you. Always.
ugh I’m already thinking about bad things. I have no one who will even attempt to give me hope, anyone i talk to takes away all my hope. I pray no one ever has to feel all their hope gone. Its empty. It’s so unbelievably empty. I wish I had someone who would just give me hope, without hope i see no reason to live.
I’m so tired of feeling so alone I feel so naseaus and depressed. My closest friends are boys and I wish I could stay over at their houses or vise versa but for some reason that’s taboo, I’m stuck alone and with some of the worst urges I’ve ever had. I’m a whole week free but at this point it wouldn’t take much to trigger me >